i won’t be here in the morning
A poem for leaving people behind
There’s a knock at the door
& I think we know what it means.
In the softening light I kill
the bedside
lamp that has painted my journal
pages a living yellow
I touch
the bookshelf, solemn soldiers
upright red to deep blue & ready
I press my lips to the tender
book jackets, worn under tape
I don’t clean; I just stare
at the desk and pictures &
the shadows of my adolescent perfume bottles,
the crumpled petals in the lemonade glass —
the strips of dusk-light
streaking down the mirror. The duvet
I haven’t changed in so long. I won’t sleep here
until November, if all goes well.
You’re touching me more lately
— and I know the body must
say goodbye before the conscience;
words are cheap, endless,
but oh — Your breath, your hands:
as warm as I left them in the budding June,
warm as I leave them for
the next city. The bugs
are out
to light the way
& I know the night, the season
has not turned
its back on us yet.
& I think we know what this means.
The color of our dreams,
the lavender that darkened
every day further from your mother’s
womb, the violet now
waiting beneath our tongues,
it matches the shade of
the sky, it grows heavy, it pulls us out
into the night. The hour
is here, & I thought
I’d be on the highway already,
ready to outrun the scent of home
cooking. I’m at the park
where we learned to ride our bikes,
learned to catch fireflies,
licking Italian Ice from our
dirty palms and plunging
them into plastic plates of lemon rice.
Who knew what this lake looked like
in the dark; who knows
what stars you see from
the other side of the highway.
I will miss the deer,
and my old
old house — home
is not a word that’s lost
on me. But I cannot watch
clocks from here, so I step
on the road & ride towards
a kept promise.
& who knows what your beauty
will be like when i am far
away enough
to see the whole of you.
I have moved into college, and I know in the coming weeks thousands more will do the same. I believe in us, I believe in everything we waited all these years for, even if it’s not what we planned for. I believe we have unforgettable experiences waiting for us, and that we are ready.
Take care of yourselves. Meet people you’re going to know for the rest of your lives. Find something you’re crazy about. And call home once in a while.
Thank you for being a part of my first 18 years, & best wishes.
